One of the most powerful—and often underestimated—tools we have as parents of neurodivergent children is curiosity.
I often encourage the families I work with to “get curious” about their child’s behavior. That doesn’t mean tolerating harmful behaviors or abandoning boundaries—it means slowing down enough to ask why (to yourself). Why did that meltdown happen right after school? Why does your child seem to shut down when asked to complete a task they’ve done before? Why does something seemingly small set off such a big reaction?
When we pause to explore these questions from a place of curiosity rather than control or correction, something important begins to happen: connection deepens.
Curiosity Builds Bridges, Not Walls
Neurodivergent children—whether they’re navigating ADHD, autism, anxiety, sensory processing differences, or something else—often experience the world in ways that neurotypical adults may not fully understand. And too often, behaviors are misunderstood, mislabeled as “defiance,” “laziness,” or “manipulation,” when in fact, they’re often signs of distress, overload, or unmet needs.
Curiosity gives us a different path. It says:
“I want to understand what this experience is like for you.”
“Your reactions make sense—even if I don’t understand them yet.”
In Melinda Wenner Moyer’s popular parenting book, How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes, she shared something that’s stuck with me: curiosity helps people let their guard down. When we approach a child with genuine interest in their inner world, they’re more likely to feel safe enough to share it.
This is especially true for neurodivergent kids, who are often used to being corrected, redirected, or even dismissed. When you approach them with questions like:
- “What did it feel like in your body when that happened?”
- “What part of that felt tricky or hard for you?”
- “What would’ve helped you in that moment?”
…you’re not just collecting information. You’re sending a message: “I see you. I want to understand you. I care.”
Curiosity Lowers Defensiveness—For You and Your Child
Sometimes we forget that parenting is also a relationship. And like any relationship, it requires effort, repair, and moments of shared vulnerability.
When a child feels interrogated or misunderstood, they’re likely to push back or shut down. But when we express curiosity—especially when things go sideways—we shift the energy from conflict to collaboration. That moment of tension becomes a chance to build trust.
Just as importantly, curiosity can lower our own reactivity as parents. When we approach a moment of dysregulation or misbehavior with a curious mindset, we give ourselves space to respond rather than react. We open the door to better problem-solving—and reduce the guilt that so often follows when we act out of frustration.
From Curiosity to Connection
Curiosity doesn’t require a perfectly scripted response or a therapeutic degree. It requires presence. It requires patience. And it requires a willingness to set aside our assumptions—even if only for a moment—to wonder about what’s happening beneath the surface.
In my work with families, I’ve seen again and again how adopting this lens changes everything. Children begin to feel safer opening up. Parents begin to feel more confident and less defeated. And the entire tone of the household begins to shift from combative to collaborative.
So if you try one new parenting tool this month, let it be this: get curious. When in doubt, pause and ask a question—not just to gather facts, but to show your child that their experience matters to you.
Curiosity may not fix every challenge overnight, but it will always move you closer to understanding—and that, in turn, moves you closer to connection.
